Hot Teleclass Temptation as Telephone Bridge Line Literally Does Go to Hell

A colossal battle between good and evil was recently waged in the guise of a seemingly-ordinary Internet marketing teleconference call. Unbeknownst to the trusting and innocent souls on the earthly end of the telephone line, the call was none other than a Hotline to Hell!

Fifteen hundred eager participants, most of whom were new to the industry, signed up for the innocuously-titled teleclass, The Secret That All Successful Internet Marketers Know. But, when the callers dialed in as instructed on the unseasonably scorching June day, many instantly suspected that this call was somehow different from what had been advertised.

Instead of being greeted with the usual peppy chitchat, callers heard a growling male voice that immediately began insulting their maternal lineages with a series of “Yo’ Mama” jokes. The least offensive of these was “Yo’ mama is so poor, she had to put a Big Mac® on layaway.” And this was just the beginning.

“The host of the call identified himself as Satan, and launched into a description of his affiliate program, which, he claimed, has been around for centuries,” said ear-witness Jorge Faust. “Apparently, becoming Satan’s affiliate is the secret that all successful Internet marketers know!”

In keeping with the new trend of dubbing call participants “fans”—whether they are indeed devotees of the host or not—a few hundred of Satan’s “fans” anxiously wanted to opt-in despite the chilling warning that there was no way to “unsubscribe.”

In addition, Satan began to push his own Evil Mastermind group, which was divided into two levels, Upper and Lower, or more popularly, Gold and Filthy Lucre.

Just then…

Excuse me. I had to get a glass of iced tea, as it is getting rather steamy in here. Now, where was I? Okay. Just then, a huge burst of static interference —or, some might say, Divine Intervention—appeared out of nowhere, effectively muting out the dastardly URL Satan gave to his would-be minions. Heavenly music of the spheres blasted across the bridge line before the participants were violently dropped out of the call. Satan himself commanded his fans to call back in but at this point he sounded more like he was on a cell phone breaking up than speaking from the underworld landline he was, in fact, using. Faithful followers who did attempt to dial back in were—and still are to this very day, and may be for all eternity—perpetually greeted with a busy signal.

But that was not the end of the supernatural, angelic goings-on.

Dante Weinstein, of Brooklyn, New York, had signed up for the now-infamous call but missed it due to emergency dental surgery. “I received an email with the link for the mp3 file a few days later,” he said. As was his wont, he listened to the demonic download backwards. “I was shocked that, instead of being given fiendish marketing orders, I heard a sweet, heavenly voice suggesting I might like to join the Peace Corps.”

Of course, the pitchforked powers of evil never sleep, and according to an unnamed source, it is reported that Satan is now moving on to Webinars.

graphic: iStockphoto.com

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