Eleventh Hour Save for Man Trapped in Elevator with Wildly-Prospecting Internet Marketers

Whatever you do, don’t mention the word “elevator” to Slovakian immigrant Pantz Aleunz. The 39-year-old restaurant delivery man was recently trapped in one that was jam-packed with enthusiastic Internet marketers for a stifling, seemingly endless eleven hours.

The trouble began at the U-Sleep-Good Hotel in Las Vegas which had been chosen for an Internet marketing convention because of its elegant website photos that bore no resemblance at all to its real life bedbug-ridden rooms. Imagine! The usually virtual business folk actually got to mingle outside cyberspace and could suddenly see, touch and pinch their colleagues, which is another story we won’t go into at this moment. While they outwardly smiled and schmoozed, they wondered how the bozos in front of them could actually be the suave, perfectly groomed professionals they chatted with daily on the ‘Net. Had everyone sent assistants who pretended to be them, or could it be that the photos and bios on all those marketing websites had been faked?

Pantz had just delivered an order of his employer’s specialty of spiked smoothies-n-schnapps and split pea burgers to a room on the seventh floor and was headed for the lobby when his elevator began to lurch and pitch. Then the car stopped moving altogether and, after just a second of stunned silence among the passengers, began rocking and rolling in earnest.

“They wouldn’t stop! They were all pressed up against me, telling me how they were unique in some way and could help me in my business,” Pantz later tearfully recounted. The passengers consisted of Pantz, six Internet marketers and one virtual assistant whose pitch apparently was indeed delegated to her by her client. “At one point, some dame was telling me how I could use my culinary and travel expertise as a delivery man to write an instructional ebook that could sell for $47! I knew there was no kind of market for something as ridiculous as that, even in America. Do they think I just fell off the turnip truck? We don’t even have turnips in my country.”

The world, however, was tuned into Pantz’ panic as the cable news stations got hold of the horrific events unfolding in the hotel’s elevator. Even Pantz’ Slovakian countrymen were riveted to the “breaking news” which quickly became the top story, accompanied by its own dramatic soundtrack—elevator muzak.

“I couldn’t take anymore of this nonsense. There I was, hyperventilating inside an old paper bag that smelled of rancid split pea burgers, and these Internet marketers began to cluck their tongues at me when they found out I didn’t have a blog to be my ‘platform.’ What kind of Yankee freaks are these, I ask you?”

Engineers worked frantically at the scene, denying themselves even rest breaks, to free the beleaguered and besieged Pantz from the scene of doom. Finally fleeing the elevator after a mind-numbing eleven hours, Pantz muttered a few words in Slovakian which loosely translated to “Ay Chihuahua!”

U.S. government officials plan to study Pantz to see if his ordeal can somehow be applied to the interrogation of terror suspects both at home and abroad. The Internet marketers, meanwhile, were unfazed and plans are already underway for their next real life convocation at the hotel, which has already added to its website the words “As Seen on Global TV!”

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