Jul
Eleventh Hour Save for Man Trapped in Elevator with Wildly-Prospecting Internet Marketers
Whatever you do, don’t mention the word “elevator” to Slovakian immigrant Pantz Aleunz. The 39-year-old restaurant delivery man was recently trapped in one that was jam-packed with enthusiastic Internet marketers for a stifling, seemingly endless eleven hours.
The trouble began at the U-Sleep-Good Hotel in Las Vegas which had been chosen for an Internet marketing convention because of its elegant website photos that bore no resemblance at all to its real life bedbug-ridden rooms. Imagine! The usually virtual business folk actually got to mingle outside cyberspace and could suddenly see, touch and pinch their colleagues, which is another story we won’t go into at this moment. While they outwardly smiled and schmoozed, they wondered how the bozos in front of them could actually be the suave, perfectly groomed professionals they chatted with daily on the ‘Net. Had everyone sent assistants who pretended to be them, or could it be that the photos and bios on all those marketing websites had been faked?
Pantz had just delivered an order of his employer’s specialty of spiked smoothies-n-schnapps and split pea burgers to a room on the seventh floor and was headed for the lobby when his elevator began to lurch and pitch. Then the car stopped moving altogether and, after just a second of stunned silence among the passengers, began rocking and rolling in earnest.
“They wouldn’t stop! They were all pressed up against me, telling me how they were unique in some way and could help me in my business,” Pantz later tearfully recounted. The passengers consisted of Pantz, six Internet marketers and one virtual assistant whose pitch apparently was indeed delegated to her by her client. “At one point, some dame was telling me how I could use my culinary and travel expertise as a delivery man to write an instructional ebook that could sell for $47! I knew there was no kind of market for something as ridiculous as that, even in America. Do they think I just fell off the turnip truck? We don’t even have turnips in my country.”
The world, however, was tuned into Pantz’ panic as the cable news stations got hold of the horrific events unfolding in the hotel’s elevator. Even Pantz’ Slovakian countrymen were riveted to the “breaking news” which quickly became the top story, accompanied by its own dramatic soundtrack—elevator muzak.
“I couldn’t take anymore of this nonsense. There I was, hyperventilating inside an old paper bag that smelled of rancid split pea burgers, and these Internet marketers began to cluck their tongues at me when they found out I didn’t have a blog to be my ‘platform.’ What kind of Yankee freaks are these, I ask you?”
Engineers worked frantically at the scene, denying themselves even rest breaks, to free the beleaguered and besieged Pantz from the scene of doom. Finally fleeing the elevator after a mind-numbing eleven hours, Pantz muttered a few words in Slovakian which loosely translated to “Ay Chihuahua!”
U.S. government officials plan to study Pantz to see if his ordeal can somehow be applied to the interrogation of terror suspects both at home and abroad. The Internet marketers, meanwhile, were unfazed and plans are already underway for their next real life convocation at the hotel, which has already added to its website the words “As Seen on Global TV!”
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Click here to buy me a beer, because damn, I need to get drunk to forget how much internet marketing sucks!
Okay, first let me say that you should write a book and second, I just have one question, as an Internet Marketer should I be offended?
Thanks,
JR
Poor Pantz, how is he supposed to know that no one can be rich without a fully monetized blogs and ebooks. Good thing he meet those people whos not shy about sharing their knowledge. Sure he freaks out now, but before long he’ll be telling this story on his very own blog and dig it too.
Dear JR,
I certainly hope my stories offend everyone in some small way…
Actually, I *am* thinking of compiling the stories in book form, maybe promote it as a “holiday stocking stuffer for that Internet marketer in your life.”
Well, the fact that you are a woman explains why this blog is so great, I always assumed you’re a guy because of the logo…see what happens when you assume. I think the stocking stuffer is a great idea!
Thanks,
JR
Hi JR,
Just to clarify — no, no, no, this isn’t my blog! It’s Sucker’s. I am only writing the the “Real News” stories this summer
Wahahahaha… my tummy’s hurt…
When the reality of offline world meets the IM worldview, things can become so absurd.
I know someone who’ve been earning decent income from IM (both Adsense and Affiliate) who decided that spending the rest of his life in front of computer at home is no fun. He want to see the world. Meet and talk with people. He considered to rejoin the 9-5 life, eventually started his own good-old-fashioned-offline business.
The money from his former IM live is still pouring in, less of course, but he’s happy and content.
overall you’ve got a great blog the topics are very interesting and the content is so cool you have a great insight about online marketing keep it up
I really hate the internet, I wish the whole thing would crash. It would be better for everyone involved
Why You hate internet? I love internet and I couldn’t live without it.
I really like your writing. You should certainly write a book.
Another fun post Diane, nicely done!
But I do kinda miss the Sucker. Is he on permanent sabbatical or something?
Thanks, Melanie!
However, your guess is as good as mine. The Sucker is as mysterious to me as he is to you guys!
Seo geeks make me really sick, echhhhhh
They are truly nauseating people
we should sponsor a week without internet or a month or a lifetime
Poor pantz. He would have come out learning some scams and trick , unfortunately he didn’t have a website otherwise it would be at #1 on google. lol.
A really funny story. I have not personally met any of the marketing “gurus” but I think want all the talk in after a convention would sound like. Maybe Pantz’s travel ebook would be a good idea if he “markets” it enough.
This internt marketing crap stuff is such crap!!1
Who cares about links sminks anyway.
Its all a bit nauseating
At the first glance, i thought it was a real story.(First time reading your blog). You really have an interesting sense of humour there and you should really consider compiling the stories into ebooks. I am sure they can sell more than $47. – Rif Chia
I really love your blog it was really interesting. Thank you for sharing a very funny story.
I would not be surprised if some of the smarter internet marketers out there hired lookalikes to go to all these conferences that have been cropping up lately.
Great blog; comprehensive,well written and to the point. Really enjoyed reading it. Thanks a lot for a lovely post
Lol…funny story. Internet marketeers really seem to be getting aggressive by the day.
And how exactly do you define real news?
My friend there is no such thing a s real news its all made up.
Thanks for putting another nightmare in my head. I didn’t really need another thing to be affraid of. And now I’m scared of internet marketers…
hilarious post though.
Goodness!is this one of the hotel’s trick or the internet marketers have controls over the elevator.It’s frightening to be rained by saliva and trapped at the same time.